In the past year, for the first time in my life, I've had to make the decision to separate myself from some "toxic" people. Some of those people happen to be family members who have been a part of my life from day one. 42 years. In the process, I've been doing a lot of thinking and an abundance of soul searching. The process itself has evoked a lot of emotion, some of which has bled out onto my social media profiles. I'm not ashamed of it, and I'm not just an "emotional poster" on social media. In fact, everything I am publicly is well thought out and in fact, part of who I am privately. With that said, nothing I share publicly hasn't already been communicated privately. But, on that note, it brings with it a myriad of responses and opinions and advice from those who may only know part of the whole story, but wish to share their opinions nonetheless, which may not be the same as mine, but welcomed and expected nonetheless.
One of the opinions I've heard recently was from a very sweet, loving family member whose concern was that I wasn't leaving the past in the past, should embrace the present, and be the "bigger person" and perhaps reconsider my decision. One thing that I think needs to be made clear is, making the decision to walk away from relationships in the making for 42 years certainly involve dredging up feelings and situations from the past, so inevitably, certain topics are going to be seemingly revived, or maybe they were never completely dead. But, a requirement of removing an element of toxicity when it comes to relationships, sadly, may in fact require the necessity to walk away. That is, in fact, unless you find in the process that YOU are the prime source of the toxicity. Then it would involve making substantial changes within yourself in order to remove that element from your life.
In my case, I undoubtedly own some toxic behaviors. Who wouldn't, as many of my traits are learned behaviors, which include some acquired in childhood. With that said, on my mission to embrace my positive potential, I exclaimed my "rebirth" at the beginning of 2015; A journey that will continue throughout the rest of my life. Its a process which involves close evaluations of behaviors and some major changes. However, there are certain elements of the toxicity that exists in my life that I simply have no control over, as they are derived from the behaviors of others. While I can leave the actions of those people that has led to catastrophic situations in the past, I cannot continue to allow their actions to affect my future if their behaviors don't change, and if I truly want to let go of the effects of their past actions. This may mean I have to forgive, but not forget, as you can't forget something that cycles over, and over again. Sadly, that involves loving from a distance, and putting active relationships on hold... indefinitely.
Nevertheless, my family member's well-intended advice did not fall on deaf ears, as I've been putting a lot of thought into it over the last few days. I've never really walked away from anyone in my life. After all, one of the major contributors to my own dysfunctions has been a source of my own toxicity from my very first breath. In fact, that person has spent their whole life running away from people and cutting them off while continuing to enter into, or be a part of one destructive relationship after another. After seeing and experiencing so many broken relationships, I grew up with a strong desire and goals to be the polar opposite. I've focused all of my energies into trying to change me in order to change a situation. Unfortunately, some of those "situations" have involved the behaviors of other toxic people in which I have no control over. Nevertheless, it's always been my belief that if I work on me, then the situation will change. It won't. Nevertheless, when toxic people have entered my life, I allow them, and their toxicities, to remain.
That thought brings me to where I am at this very moment; In the midst of insomnia reflecting on my past. I think of my teenage years as a high school dropout, in and out of the juvenile legal system. I wasn't a bad person. In fact, I really wasn't even a bad kid. However, I did make some poor decisions based upon my decisions to remain part of certain peer groups. I was (and still am), however, a bit of a loner. I never really "belonged" to a certain group, and had some associations with the kids well known among parent groups as the "bad" kids, along with associations with kids known among those same groups as the "good" kids. Nevertheless, the parents of the "good" kids discouraged, and often disallowed, their children to associate with me. Of course, knowing I really wasn't "bad," nor would I intentionally pressure any of my friends to engage in activities they didn't want to be a part of, I had a hard time understanding why I wasn't "liked" by these parents.
That brings me to my next thought. What is a "toxic" person? Does being labeled "toxic" make a person a "bad" person? When I think of the relationships that are going to be affected by my decision, I think of a couple "good" people who may not favor my decision, and therefore may no longer be such an active part of my life, as doing so would require the primary source of the toxicity to remain very active in my life, like the glass of whisky setting next to the cola. Are they, then, "toxic" as well? Does this now make me a "bad" person for making such a decision that is frowned upon by some?
As an adult, some of these friends parents have welcomed me into their lives, and the lives of their now grown children. I've never really considered why they seem to "embrace" me now when they didn't seem to "like" me before. Tonight, however, it really hit me. They never "disliked" me, they "disliked" some of my behaviors, but even more so, my toxic associations. While perhaps I wasn't a "toxic" person, I carried with me, certain levels of toxicity acquired through associations. They simply didn't want their children to be exposed to that. By allowing them to associate with me, they were allowing them "access" to the toxic elements that were part of my life. It's like setting a glass of cola down next to a glass of whisky in front of an alcoholic and telling him/her to only drink the cola, but it has to be consumed right there at that very spot. While he/she may comply, there is undoubtedly a certain amount of emotional impact that will result from his/her ability to refrain from touching the whisky. A decision must be made. By all means, if his/her willpower is great enough, he/she may choose to drink the coke. Others, however, may be required to walk away, despite their level of thirst. For some alcoholics, continuing to introduce the element of alcohol into their lives will eventually lead to repetition of past behaviors. Unless the alcohol is removed from the situation, the alcoholic is taking a risk.
This is exactly where I am in my life right now. Sadly, there is a certain level of risk by continuing to allow "actively" toxic people into my life. While I can't make those people recognize or change their behaviors, I can change mine. What I've learned, however, is that in order to truly leave the past behind me, I have to remove the element that keeps dredging it up, meaning I have no choice but to walk away from more than just one person. Are those people, like me as a teenager, "bad" people? No. None of them, including the most toxic, are "bad". However, all of them carry certain elements that are simply so "bad" for me that it's not healthy for me to continue exposing myself to them. In other words, I'm the alcoholic who tends to drink the whiskey. Perhaps like me, the teenager who eventually grew up to be respected by her friends parents, those people will free themselves of their toxicities. Until then, I have to free myself in order to continue my journey of recreating myself.
Are you dealing with a similar situation? If so, what toxicities exist in your life that you may have to walk away from in order to free yourself of chaotic behaviors? Accepting the unknown impact of disassociating yourself may very well be the first step in the right direction!
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